The truth is my Pve confidence is shot.
If people I respected could dick me around for 3 weeks then even lie about their reasons for it on guild forums, well why bother caring.
So when in a 10 man and with not so geared tanks they decide that a 3rd healer is required. I have no choice.
Nor the following week when someone gets saved and so a scrub mage that is pugged gets the dps spot I wanted because they need a healer.
So thus becomes this fear, and is a fear I am going to get stuck as heals, and it doesnt matter whose butt I kick in BH or how much I spent on a Darkmoon card , or try and have pride that my dps set is gemmed and enchanted to perfection, because when I am healing against my will all I can think about is how much I am hating it.
And it’s not the healing I hate, I like pvp healing I like healing on my druid. I had a 2nd priest in wrath that didnt have a dps set because all she did was heal.
When I am on my main, the one I put the most effort/love/care into. I want to dps.
But someone will always need a healer.
The fear that I will be put on the spot and asked/expected/have to heal becomes so great that you don’t want to play in case you get asked, and its always a reasonable request. It’s not even their fault. When you look at the resources available – and you have a shadow priest with a spec and gear it’s not unreasonable to ask. Except, its every time.
And the truth was that everyone would rather a healer then a dps, and I have been led to believe it was the only reason why I got the raiding position I did so many weeks ago, that even though they lied and did need dps – they were desperate for heals, and was the only reason why I got taken.
Yes I stuffed it up. I’ll blame the bad lag to some degree, my isp has it on public record – but as the time passed and I realised it didn’t matter how many hoops I jumped through it was never going to matter I had already lost heart, and I am having difficulty finding it again, because even if I did get to dps now I am convinced that I would frack up again, because every time I have raided so far in Cata, it’s been with ” I do not want to heal” going through my head.
So this is a bit of a QQ, but maybe its been part of the motivational block I have had for playing because I haven’t been able to say what I wanted to say.
/goes off to hide on a baby shammy alt.